


Yonya

by Lithenna



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Family Drama, father-son struggle, the heartbreak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:34:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24409663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lithenna/pseuds/Lithenna
Summary: Just a short thing I needed to write, about post-Nargothrond Curufin and his painful hesitations regarding celebrimbor's decision.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	Yonya

**_My_** ~~ ** _child,_**~~ **_~~Dear son~~ , _ **

~~**_I know you_ ** ~~

**_Tyelperinquar,_ **

**_~~I know~~ ~~I do not~~ You probably do not expect this letter. And if you wish to ignore it, there is nothing I can do. _ **

**_Yet, I hope you will read it, and ~~who knows? perhaps those few words will change something~~ even if it does not change anything. There are so many things that I wish to tell you, and it already seems to me that a mere letter will never do. It will never be enough. _ **

**_As you may know, your uncle and I have more or less safely reached Himring a few months ago and ~~I still~~ we have worked with Nelyafinwë ever since in the hope to forge new alliances ~~and I have never stopped thinking about you ever since~~ but something here does not feel right : your absence. _ **

**_Each day, I look South and West, down the valleys and further away… my eyes land on the plains of our old Himlad… or what is left of it, ~~and I find myself expecting, hoping and even praying to catch the sight of you, riding back to us and all I see is darkness~~. I wish I could lift up the veil that cover ~~my eyes~~ those lands. Nargothrond seems so far away now, and everything that happened there ere we left comes back to me as in a dream. Was it a dream? A nightmare? Did it really happen? Only you seem to be able to give a reliable answer. ~~But you are not here, and will never be, will you?~~_ **

~~**_I resent yo_ ** ~~

~~**_How could you_ ** ~~

**_How did we come down to this?_ **

**_I realise now that I have made ~~a few~~ ~~many~~ some mistakes during those last years in Nargothrond. And I was not able to give you what you asked for. I could no longer see you then, not as I did before. I know ~~I disappointed you~~ I ruined it all. _ **

**_~~I am sorry, Tyelperinquar~~. _ **

**_Perhaps those words will seem insignificant to you. Perhaps you will discard them, and I probably deserve it. ~~Yet, I beg you to trust them.~~_ **

~~**_I feel_ ** ~~

**_Everything should have been different._ **

**_I still do not quite understand what exactly happened with our people, with Artaresto… Believe it or not, my intentions were neither selfish nor malevolent. Something else drove me : ~~a urge that devour me~~ ~~a profound wish to prove~~ something that cannot easily be put into words, especially not in a letter. Perhaps I will eventually find a way to explain it to you, if you ever want to come back. For now, I can only say that it was not all about me ; our people, you and your safety have always been my priorities. _ **

**_Something went utterly wrong and I failed you. I failed them._ **

**_I cannot stop wondering if you really meant what you said before we parted? I keep on repeating those words to myself, trying to sort them out. ~~And each time it hurts a little more~~ I remember the sound of your voice and that look in your eyes ~~and it is excruciating and all I want is to have your pardon or to disappear because I cannot keep on living in a world in which you hate me in a world in which I cannot see you and hear you~~ and I do not know what to do with those memories. _ **

**_And I cannot forget._ **

**_My answer to you then was irrelevant. Those words of mine were unfair and I wish I could take them back._ **

**_~~Please forgive me~~ Will you ever forgive me? _ **

**_I hope you will read those lines and understand. And if you do not, I would not blame you. If you hate me, I would not blame you. I only wish there is still some sort of ~~affection~~ ~~respect~~ regard for you father in your heart. _ **

**_You are my son. My friend. My hope. And the memory of you never leaves my thoughts._ **

**_Sincerely yours,_ **

**_~~Your old father~~ Curufinwë Atarincë _ **

**_PS: I do not know if you will ever reply to this missive, and yet, I shall never stop expecting a messenger from Nargothrond…_ **

**_~~I will never despise you, Tyelpincë.~~ I lov_ **

There was a loud noise on the other side of the door, which suddenly burst open. Curufinwë drew a sigh and turned to watch Tyelkormo step into the small study.

“Here you are, Curvo! I was looking for you. The scouts have met Bór and his men, they should be here in a few hours. Maitimo requires our presence downstairs.”

“I am coming. Give me a few more minutes.”

“Sure”, answered Tyelkormo with doubtful voice, "Are you working on something new?”

“Not really.”

“What is it, then? Something special?”

Curufinwë was looking at the vellum, his eyes following the curves of the Tengwar, elegant and graceful in spite of the crossing-outs. He could barely recognise his own handwriting, and yet it looked exactly as it had always done.

Holding his breath, he stared at the unfinished sentence.

“Curvo? Is everything alright?” 

His sight was blurring. He picked up the parchment and tore it apart.

“I am fine. Let us go.”

In the fireplace, the flames burst with delight as Curufinwë fed them with the pieces of the letter, and they ate them up until nothing remained but the ashes of a silent wish.


End file.
